Exercise My Demons

I don't exercise. It's kind of my thing. My opinion on running is that it is only necessary should I be chased or if I am trying to get across the street quickly because slow pedestrians are, literally, the worst. I don't like weightlifting because I could never figure out why anyone would want to pick something up, only to put it back down in the same place. I don't trust machines, robots will rise up against us all one day and I am hoping that they remember that I never sat upon or walked over one of their kind. What I do like to do is play sports, go for walks, dance, or do some manual labour. I like my activities to have more of a purpose. Now you can argue that exercising in a gym or going for a run does have a purpose, and I will politely disagree with you.

I am not very good at exercising; I am not easily motivated, I love junk food and naps, I get tuckered out way too fast for it to be normal, and I can always find something "better" to do. However; I get tired walking up a flight of stairs, I get shin splints from walking around town, and I really should be a bit healthier. Plus, everyone in my life is super active. I work in a physio clinic with it's own personal gym, I can see it as I type this. My mom is more active than me and she just had surgery on both her thumbs. She can't lift a piece of paper, but she still manages to show me up. My co-workers were just in a triathlon, Dancing Queen is a dancer/instructor and training to be a physio, WonderTwin goes to the gym and yoga regularly, another friend is in a running club, and this man I have called dibs on is a soccer player/boxer/yogi/runner/model man.

Thus, I have decided that since everyone else around me is always moving, I should be too. We (I) are going to test this exercise thing out. I started first off by using the gym for twenty minutes while at work. Not any real amount of time for regular people, I know, but it was a surprisingly long time for the phone to not ring. I did ten minutes on the row machine, mostly because I really only remembered how that one worked from when I failed to go to the gym back at school. I then did ten minutes on the recumbent bike. Now, I don't know what that means; nor did I know how to turn it, but I managed to go absolutely no where for ten minutes. During this time, my boss happened to look in on who was making all the noises, to find me on the bike. Let's just say he was dumbfounded to have found dumb me on an exercise machine. He wasn't lost for words for very long because he quickly began making fun of me for breaking my vow against such activities. His snarky attitude has landed him in a week of 8 AM appointments. I then had to ask my friend what she recommended for a beginner to exercise in general on how to become a beginner to running. She offered sage advice of taking it slow and doing intervals of 2 minutes of running and 1 minute walking. Then increasing to 5-1, 7-1, 10-1. When I got home, I was pumped to start running. She had me download an app called "Run Keeper" that would use my GPS to track my progress on my outings. I set up the app and then promptly lost my shoes. I spent an hour searching for my sneakers, I ended up getting tired so I took a half hour break to watch Jeopardy and then decided to wear my om's shoes, they were a size too small but I figured my feet would hurt afterwards anyways, so I just went with them.

On this adventure, I thought it would be a good idea to bring the dog. She is a 2 year-old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, named Primrose (after my aunt, not the Hunger Games). I never knew someone could be more lazy than I am. We only had to do the 2-1 intervals and I wasn't planning on doing anything more than 1 kilometre. (My boss just made fun of me again, another week of 8 AM appointments for him). The dog did not trust our plan though. I managed to run for one entire minute before she found a pole to wrap her leash around. I had not noticed this and was abruptly stopped when the leash tightened. I thought this may have just been an accident, she can be a clumsy dog. I shrugged it off and decided to do my one minute walk one minute early. Refreshed, we set off again at a run. But again, the leash mysteriously wrapped around another pole. Now both times, Primrose looked very sad, as if I had been the one to make her stop and not the other way around. We walked for two minutes this time, the abrupt stops were tearing my shoulder. Finally, we were able to run downhill, this was fine, We made two minutes, at last!, and then the dog just stopped. There was no pole this time, she just decided to lie down on the street. This couldn't keep being an accident. I chalked it up to we had been running to fast, and that I had worn her out. Oh well, I finally ran 2 minutes, we deserved a long walk break. (You may have noticed I don't follow directions very well, this is why I'm bad at exercising). I managed to run a couple more times after this and we had hit 1.4 miles when I got home. Not wanting to give up so easily, I left her at the house (notifying mother of her very lazy dog) and set out to finish my kilometre. Of course, I was never very good at determining distance and instead did 2 miles. Bonus for me! Plus, that last portion was almost entirely running. I am so good at exercising.

I got home and watched some TV with my momma, bragging about my achievement. She was so inspired by me that she insisted we go on another walk. I was down for that, I still had runner's high. Off we went again, this time no dog. We got half a block from the house before I realised I hadn't turned on the app, so we lost a bit of progress. We got half a mile from the house when it started pouring rain. There was no point in trying to run home at this point. It was raining too hard and we'd still get just as wet. I learned something though; people in cars become instantly more cruel when you're a pedestrian walking the rain. So many people would either slow right down and stare at us walk in the downpour, or they'd speed right up and swerve into a puddle. The former is cruel because you are obviously not helping us escape the rain or get home any quicker, but you seen no wrong in watching our suffering and even perhaps shedding hope that you will help us. The latter is cruel because you are adding insult to injury and could potentially hurt us. So please, be nice to people walking in the rain by ignoring us. We finally got home, to remember that we had left the dog outside. So now everyone was soaking wet and smelled like wet dog. I accomplished three miles of activity in my very first night of becoming a casual beginner walker/runner. While I didn't do it very well, I did do a lot more activity than I thought I would.

I paid for all of that moving the next morning. I had shin splints so bad and I felt like someone had torn my hips out of their sockets. Even my shoulders hurt, because of course I somehow screwed up moving with only my lower extremities. I went to work in my happy little physio office and cried every time I had to leave my desk. Thank god we got a box of free samples for an anti-inflammatory therapy cream. Curse the devil because it didn't work at all. Now my legs were cold, sticky, and still in pain. My boss laughed at me some more. I'm starting to hate him and his lack of pain with mobility. Blissfully, the day ended early and I went home, ready to take it easy. Mom had other plans. She liked my get fit idea. I regret telling her that I was going to do this now. We went on another walk. Another mile. It took me half an hour because I could barely move. I hobbled behind her as we traipsed through the neighbourhood. Because she is my mother, it was a cross country walk. I was ready to die on the hills. Just lay there and give up. I had already did more in two days than I thought I would do in two weeks. Always the over-achiever.

Today is a new day though. I am still in a lot of pain. But with the right amount of drugs, I'm sure I'll forget. I hobbled to work today, and have resorted to just shouting things at people so I don't have to get up. Of course, the mail lady delivered flyers to every pizza store in town. I stole them and have them squirreled away to look at when I want to cry some more. I stashed them in my locker along with the bubble wrap I've been sneaking from our packages. It is a filthy, dark and dirty locker of secrets. Anyways! I'm going to keep at it. Tonight I will play with my jump rope that I got in me Welcome Box from FabFitFun. I might go for another walk, and then, just rest. I still don't have my own pair of shoes. Turns out when I moved from my dad's to my mom's, I left behind one pink and white sneaker. I implore you all to be inspired to be healthy. Of course, be yourself, and only do it for the right reasons. I'm hoping that this interest in running will make me healthier and happier. Perhaps I can start playing soccer and dancing again. Two things I love and miss being a part of.

It's raining again. I'm thinking a nap is in order tonight. What?! Sleep is good for you too. Don't look at me like that. Stop judging me. I'll do what I want. I promise to go for another walk/run when there is sun.